This is a transfer from my LJ for other people from outside my friendslist there to see especially since I wouldn't want family to hear that my ex-gf is married now and to what kind of person she's married to.  It's a memorial post of two anniversaries, one of a close friend's murder 11 years ago and the other of the marriage of Sheila Ann Rauch to her spic husband.

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*hush-hush* so the info doesn't get out to the one outside the filter and used against me somewhat somehow...not saying that chimchim237 would but....it's the subject matter of part of it that puts him at a slight "security risk" since he does live in the area and does try and get to the Go club with me.
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Even though the dates are becoming less and less meaningful now after all that has been said and done, the three days (June 4-6) have all been two anniversaries at once. I'll always remember them even though the ritual of remembering the earlier one is now more empty since if I had a better relationship with God, I would not have been as upset about it as I was. A lot of things would have been different including me being comfortable with being single and having friends, not being in a rush...not going out with gfs that aren't on the same level as me.

I loved Nhu Ly, my first gf, while we knew our coworker Tina Pennington. Looking back I see even more so from this past year and a half the warning signs of what was to come. I am sure I didn't post about this at all before but when I was with Nhu, she was afraid of a lot of things because her parents were so protective and strict...she didn't want to go out in the hall at the hospital where the workshop was at because she was afraid of being caught by supervisors the very moment of a kiss so she wouldn't kiss.

So finally when I was sent to the cafeteria to be trained there to wash and bus...the workshop had their break and this one other lady...Dianna...told me something. She had something that was mild...like me...and had an attractive and cute face...freckles, brown eyes, short and curly brown hair...and the next day or so after, I got there to the workshop early and she was the next one there...we went out in the hall and talked and I reminded her of that daydream she had she told me and we kissed...afterward I felt guilty kissing her and being Nhu's bf so I confessed to Nhu...

And that was the...first time I cheated on a gf. Though it's kinda different of course than cheating on a gf by cybering with another or something like that.

Anyway the anniversary of Tina's murder was June 4th...her mom and brother died that day...Tina survived until the 6th and then was taken off of life support in the morning.

Thinking back on my relationship with Sheila, during one of the visits when I told her about Tina and how close we were and how she was trying to make me happy by trying to get Nhu and me back together after the first breakup, during the last time we saw each other, I told Sheila that Tina was the "mother" of the KRML. The logic behind that was that then and now, I have never ever met very many disabled people that are reasonably intelligent and from my frustration then and my inability to realize the true picture of love and relationships, I had started creating the beginnings of what would be the KRML...that started to happen only after I heard of Tina's murder and I've been in shock for the next year.

....and then after that, remembering when I was talking to Tina and telling her about my progress on the games for my then new Original Game Boy, I started to buy a few more games and play them a lot until I did beat them...and then came the Battanimated series...and so there you have the bridge...because then I bought the box set with some back issues at the back issue sale at the shop and took it home seeing the game as not as harmful as D&D because there's no magic in it and no satanic stuff in it...and back then somehow I thought that somehow there'd be no killing....that one could leave out an optional rule or two and excise the killing...but it's hard to do...



So now comes the sandwich...In between those dates is the date of the final nail in the coffin of the KRML, the marriage of my 3rd ex-gf to a certain unknown ....Mexican person...Many things brought everything down, not going to rehash them...if I had them to do all over again, I would have done different. Would have been more confident and stronger. Now I know more but still feel incomplete and lost even if I do have that relationship with my Creator...there will always be some things that can never be recovered...lost time, lost opportunity, lost "firsts"...but I read from a certain Christian book that there's an idea that would make up for it no matter if God wants me to stay single now or not.

Sometimes I think that His original plan for me included a wife but I screwd everything up by not seeking Him for this long...really seeking...and being idiot enough to assume that He gave me a gf to prove that I should be more serious with him. chette...it was kinda like what T-Rex is going through now, in that topic about him thinking God screwed him over about that job.

So now I think that since I've waited this long for a "real" gf, someone not like Nhu or Angela, someone better, someone that I can really talk to and could take me places, etc....and could help me do stuff if things got more serious...someone that could share interests or learn to share them easily....and haven't found her...that maybe it's not in the plans.

Still I ought to try...that's why I am going to try and start on this idea I found...chette might realize what book I'm talking about that I'm reading and probably even the idea. I've often said that a person's heart isn't as unique to give as "another thing" that two lovers could give each other since the same heart can be given over and over....if you marry your bf/gf and he/she dies, you find another....you give the new one the same heart right? That's what I think.

But yet, if one would write love letters and poems to a future spouse, those words, those thoughts, those ideas one has the moment of writing, those are a bit more unique and possibly as unique in a different way as "the thing that can only be given once to only one person."



These anniversaries have been hollow....having all cried out last NYE when I put a lot of it all behind me, I only cried a little. I still treasure the poem that I still have hanging, I still treasure the handmade afghan throw that I still use...but the feelings behind them are mostly gone away. Same thing with...surprisingly...Ai Yori Aoshi. I still like the show but with me having seen all but the last episode, I wasn't as impacted by it, especially the sweet parts, as I was in the past.

I also still have the emails that were shared to me by a friend that went away recently, this friend wa s a third party go between in a final dialogue between my ex-gf and I in trying to set a few things straight like "Did she really feel love for me?" and "Was it true love?" and stuff like that... For a while I thought she really was trying to learn how to relax and get unstressed and have a bit more fun other than just coming home from the one job, worrying about it, dealing with kid problems and ex-husband attitude problems and worrying about building up her stay at home job to live off of it... but then I re-read the shared emails...

I saw something...

There was something said that before I thought it meant that she did enjoy playing on Realms of Despair MUD and watching anime when she visited those two times and I forgot what other stuff we shared but those were the main ones.

The thing she said was something like (I might have to look at them again to see what exactly she said it)...she enjoyed them a little bit but didn't really have time for them and they were taking time out of her trying to get her home based business built up... Something in how she worded what she was saying, the last time I read it felt like she just went along just to spend time with me, that and it was what I wanted to share with her.

And yes, in a different way she has said that to me...back when we were together it was more like "I love you so much that I want to get to know what you like and share them just to be with you and enjoy things with you."

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Anyway I have no more feelings at all....but still...and I'm trying not to be what an ex-LJ-friend has described me of being ("scary stalker ex")....I know that the past needs to be let go of...but what would be the difference between not forgetting the past, letting go of the past, and forgetting it and moving on?

June 4&6, 1994 -- NEVER FORGET!! (11 years)

June 5, 2004 -- NEVER FORGET!! (1 year)

IN VINO VERITAS

 Look what I found on the NR Poetry list....

It's a poem about Saturnalia, the easiest I could explain it is that it's the ancient and now Nova Roman version of Christmas.

God of the Harvests,  of tilling the lands,
We remember the education provided at your hands,
The offer remembered in darkness and gloom,
Your festival, we celebrate soon.

Peace shall abound, for You taught us to be civil,
yet this night is not filled with romantic drivel,
We recall with a melancholy, the past that is done,
The pain that was suffered by You at the hands of your son.

This festival, we sing in your praise,
The nights of glory and even in the days,
And offer great contemplation in your grace and domain,
That is not kept in vain.

Upon Capitoline Hill, you gave to us much,
The earth at the mercy of your glorious touch,
In the peace of the land we shall Worship your name,
Remember that no other is to be blamed.

No man will dare to break these nights,
For the fire of peace still shines oh so bright,
The sanctity that we share in joy,
Will be taught with care to each girl and boy.

Oh Saturn, divine, we worship this week,
Your praises we shall speak,
Seven nights and of days of celebration and feast,
In a service presided by your most gracious Priest.

This may not change your temper or pains,
The seasonal gloom, remains still the same.
The unrestrained revelry stands still unchanged,
Your temple in my heart stands tall and remains.

This is my first entry....

Within the last week I've received email from Nova Roman Consul Gnaeus Equitius Marinus...there are Lexes that were voted in last year that are just now being acted upon to reform the gens in Nova Roma.  I've heard in the past that those that don't contact the Censores get dumped into a catchall agnomen that essentially describes those that are without a gens....

Gnaeus Equitius Marinus Quiritibus Novae Romae salutem plurimam dicit:
 
Salvete Quirites,
 
I write to draw your attention to important matters concerning the
legal family status of all citizens of Nova Roma.  Please read this
message carefully.
 
In December of 2003, the Comitia Centuriata approved the Lex Labiena
de Gentibus.  The Senate subsequently ratified it on 29 Jan 2004.
This law changes significantly the way that we in Nova Roma recognize
familial bonds.  In particular, it does away with the idea of a
single pater- or materfamilias for an entire gens and replaces that
with more historically accurate patres and matres.
 
More recently, within the past few months, we have enacted the Lex
Equitia de Gentibus and the Lex Equitia de Familias.  Both of these
laws expand upon the Lex Labiena de Gentibus to give it clearer
definition and to provide a basis of family law for Nova Roma.  I
provide links below so that you may, if you wish, study all of these
laws.
 
The Lex Labiena de Gentibus provided one year from the date of its
ratification for citizens to contact the Censors, declaring their
status as (a) p/mater-familias, or (b) filia/filius-familias.  If you
do not contact the Censors before 29 January 2005, the Censors will
do their best to assign you into a category according to Nova Roman
law. However, if there is any doubt at all, I strongly encourage you
to contact the Censors' office before January 29th to be sure you are
listed in the correct family with the correct relationship status.
 
 
The applicable laws are:
 
LEX LABIENA DE GENTIBUS
http://www.novaroma.org/tabularium/leges/2003-12-24-ii.html
 
LEX EQVITIA DE GENTIBUS
http://www.novaroma.org/tabularium/leges/2004-10-07-ii.html
 
LEX EQUITIA DE FAMILIA
http://www.novaroma.org/tabularium/leges/2004-10-07-vii.html
 
 
Valete,
 
Gn. Equitius Marinus
Consul, Nova Roma